Three years after, I am looking back on it with a complete change in perspective and with a little smirk on my face for being so dramatic. Hahaha Truly, everything feels too much when you are caught in the sea of emotions. 

    Though writing about relationships gives me a great dose of *cringe,* here I am allowing myself to be unfiltered for a while. I am not here to talk about the person in the past but instead, to remember how the Lord, in His goodness, has redeemed me from a pit that I voluntarily put myself into. 

    Years ago, my concept of love only revolved around emotions - how I felt towards the person / how that person makes me feel. And though I have already heard of God's love at that point, my standard for romantic relationships was admittedly heavily influenced by romance novels, movies, and social media posts. Initially, it didn't seem wrong to be guided by principles set by the world, until in the long run, we stumbled upon sin upon sin upon sin. With how I see it now, God has been so gracious to give conviction even when it felt like my heart has hardened. 

   One of the lies that had kept me stuck on the same page was that 'no one else can take care of me the same way, and give me the unique benefits of dating that person.' The weight of shame brought about by the sins committed added to the hesitation of leaving. "Who else can love me when I have done this and that"  echoes each time I'm convinced to move ahead. 

    I do not remember anymore how it was when I left but the real struggle at that time was how to face the following days after it - the adjustments and the longings. There were just too many tears. 

    I used to believe that time will eventually make me get used to it. After all, they say it heals all wounds. I, however, am a witness that there is no other Healer than God Himself. Obviously, He did not magically spare me from the pain of heartbreak yet all throughout those years, He had orchestrated things and people in my life to ground me in His truth. Yes, I am thankful that there is no more ache from reminiscing the old days - that the uncontrollable desire to go back has been completely extinguished and that he and I remained to be good friends but ultimately, what I am thankful for is that I know that I am already forgiven. 

    Christ's death on that cross had paid the penalty for my rebellion - the kind of love that brings healing to my soul. I hold on to that truth and strive to live with the rest of my days in obedience. I do not know whether the Lord will allow me to get into a commitment again, but I am praying that by His grace, the lessons learned from this will not go in vain but will help me keep my guard up and my mind sober. 

    Stumbling upon this photo from three years ago, I expect to respond differently. But right now, I never thought I would only feel thankful and content.



                                                                                                                                        See you around,
                                                                                                                                                     N